Hope vs. Frustration

Day 4 has come after some time. As I said in my last post, the doc has increased the dosage. And because of that we had a terrible, terrible time at home. He was almost at the verge of being admitted into a hospital. The reason? That was too much of a dose for him. He went onto 40 mg and that made him even more hallucinating, more and more restless and agitated. None of us, including my 4 year old had any sleep for two days.

I don't know what goes on in the kids' minds. My older one is very smart, perceptive and observant. Should I tell her about the illness? and will she understand at all???

The other day, she asked me if her father stopped liking us all. నాకు చాలా బాధగా అనిపించింది. నాలుగేళ్ల పిల్ల అడగవలసిన ప్రశ్నేనా అది? అసలు ఆ వయసులో రావలసిన డవుటేనా?
పిల్లలను ఈ #environment# లో పెంచటం ఎతవరకూ సబబు? ఏమీ అర్థం కాని పరిస్థితి.
#I told her that that is not the case. and that her father is just upset like any of us when things go wrong and that he will be alright in a while. Then she drew a picture and gave it to him. and then wrapped a toy in paper and gifted it to him. This continued till the next afternoon when her friends came over and she totally forgot about it. That is a blessing. Everyday is a new day for kids. May be, I should learn that, implement that.

Anyway, This is not what a child should be doing. Kids her age should be playing, have fun, look for comfort and security from their parents, not the other way round. Bad. TOO BAD. How can I stop them from getting concerned when they are watching everything? What should I do? They are too young to be sent to India. What would anyone do in this situation? What are they doing?? I wish I knew someone who is facing or faced such a situation.

Coming back to him, his agitated, hyper condition continued for about a week when I called the doc and told him about his state and that I thought 40 mg is too much for him. So we are back to 30 mg now, which seems to be working for now. We didn't have as many episodes as we had before. Once a week now, an overnight episode, which is a great improvement from once a day. So, HOPEfully, in a few days or months, he'll be alright.

BUT, what about me? Will I be able to forget whatever he has said when he was ill? Is it illness talking? or is it him? Will I ever have an answer to this question? Will I be able to see him as a husband instead of as a #rOgi#. And with such questions dangling in the air, will such a marriage survive? Everytime, I come back to the same question!
Too many questions! One day at a time, baby, one day at a time. That's the motto.